


the same impossible stuff

by adamganseys



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Bronan friendship, Coming Out, F/M, M/M, Multi, Post-Blue Lily Lily Blue, Pre-The Raven King, Tumblr Prompt, could be canon compliant i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 16:53:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7061227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamganseys/pseuds/adamganseys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronan didn’t say anything, but she felt the couch shift to her right, and then Ronan’s arm was around her. It was strangely grounding, and Blue allowed herself to put her head on his shoulder, tears still dripping down her cheeks. </p><p>(Or, my response to the prompt “Okay, am I drunk or did you really just say that?”, where Blue and Ronan bond alone for the first time and Ronan admits his crush on Adam)</p>
            </blockquote>





	the same impossible stuff

**Author's Note:**

> So I was super disappointed in the lack of meaningful Blue/Ronan interactions in TRK, especially wrt lack of fallout for their BLLB cave scene, and this is my attempt to make up for it. These kids love each other so much and I'm emo about it always. Prompt from [this list](http://adamparrush.tumblr.com/post/145175711465/dialogue-prompts) \- feel free to send me more if you want! This is also posted on tumblr.

It was 9:30 pm and Blue Sargent was restless. She needed to scream, she needed to cry, she needed –

And so she was at the door of Monmouth Manufacturing. When the door opened, however, it wasn’t the boy she had hoped to see. The one who stood before her with his usual permanent scowl had considerably less hair and more anger.

“Sargent,” Ronan Lynch said, his gaze questioning.

“Ronan. I, uh—,” Blue broke off. She really should have planned this better. She should have called. She just knew that she needed to see Gansey or she was going to explode. She had just assumed that he’d be here, and now that she saw he wasn’t, she didn’t really have an excuse for her night visit.

Ronan raised an eyebrow. “Gansey isn’t here.”

Blue felt her cheeks heat up. “What makes you think I’m here to see Gansey?”

Ronan snorted, loud and unpleasant. “That’s a long list, maggot. Do you really want me to list all the reasons? We’ll be here a while.”

Blue tried not to look guilty. She thought they’d been doing good at hiding their secret relationship. If Ronan knew, did that mean _Adam_ also—

“Well?” Ronan’s voice was impatient. “Are you coming in, or…?”

She hadn’t walked all the way here in the late October chill for nothing, so she walked in and Ronan shut the door behind her. “Is Noah here, at least?”

Ronan just leveled her with a look. Noah was almost never around, anymore. Blue let out a frustrated sound.

“Good to know that I’m your last resort, Sargent,” Ronan said, but she knew he wasn’t really offended. They were both each other’s last resorts. Or at least, they had been. Lately, she wasn’t too sure. Especially after that day in the cave. It had only been four days since then, and Blue still remembered the way Ronan had held her, tightly, protectively.

Blue sighed and sat down on the couch, and Ronan followed her, sitting on the other end, a beer in his hand. “So, where is Gansey?” Blue tried to keep her voice casual and failed miserably.

“Some thing with his sister. She kind of called him last minute and said she needed his help, so. He’ll be back tomorrow morning, I think.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Both of them sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes. This was weird. It shouldn’t be weird, because Ronan was her friend, Ronan was a part of the group of boys she was in love with, the group of boys who were in love with her, with each other, but it _was_ weird. Blue was rarely alone with Ronan. After all of this time, she still felt like she didn’t really know him at all. They didn’t hold the same antagonism towards each other that they did when she’d first become friends with the boys, but they were far from being close on their own, without the others.

Finally, Ronan broke the silence. “So, what brings you to our neck of the woods? Besides wanting to make out with Gansey.”

Blue flushed a deep crimson. “God, that’s not – We’re not –,”

“Save it, Sargent. You two aren’t subtle at all. It’s been obvious since like, the summer.”

Blue sighed, but didn’t say anything. She simply leaned her head back against the cushion and stared at the ceiling.

“So,” Ronan said after it became clear Blue wasn’t going to speak. “You two keeping it a secret because of Parrish?” There was something odd about his tone when he asked this, but Blue couldn’t put her finger on it.

“Yeah. Yeah, we are.”

“Do you really think you need to? I mean, it’s been months since you guys broke up, right?” Blue could’ve been imagining it, but she thought there was something hopeful about his tone. She just shrugged. She didn’t know anymore. All she knew was that the longer they kept it a secret, the more difficult it became to tell him. “Besides, chances are he’s figured it out already. If I have, Parrish definitely has.”

Panic rose inside Blue. “God, I hope not.”

“So, you never answered my earlier question. Were you just here for Dick’s lips, or…?”

Blue ignored the provocation. She considered telling Ronan that she unfortunately was not acquainted with Gansey’s lips and why, but she refrained on the off chance that he would make the connection between her curse and the death list. Her heart clenched at the thought of Ronan’s reaction when he found out, his all-consuming grief for the person he loved most in the world, his brother. “I was just… having a bad night.”

“Want to talk about it?”

Blue stared at Ronan incredulously at those words.

He scoffed. “What? I can be nice sometimes.”

Blue rolled her eyes. “Sure you can. Once in a decade, maybe. Anyways, I don’t want to talk. Do you… do you have more of those?” The last part was in reference to the beer in Ronan’s hand.

Ronan raised his eyebrows. “I always have more. I’m assuming you’ve never been drunk before, though. I don’t want to be responsible for your wasted ass when you pass out after half a bottle."

Blue bristled. “Shut up. Just get me some, would you?”

Ronan smirked, amused, but he did. He sat down a lot closer to her when he came back, and she wondered if that was his version of comfort. And then she was drinking.

After several silent minutes, Blue said, “They were cleaning out Persephone’s things today. Giving some stuff away. I just… needed to get away from that house.” Her voice trembled, but she hoped that Ronan didn’t notice.

Ronan was quiet until he said, his voice softer than she’d ever heard it, “When my dad died, Declan wanted to clean a bunch of his shit out. I didn’t let him because fuck that. I fucking punched him when he tried to do it. It’s all still exactly as it was.”

“I don’t really think punching my mom or Calla is an option.”

Ronan shrugged. “Maybe not. There are other methods to get what you want, though, if it’s important to you.”

Blue sighed. “It’s just. It’s all bullshit. As if that stuff is meaningless. As if they can just… just _give it all away_ and the house will be any less full of her memory, or–,” She broke off, realizing that her eyes were watering. She took a deep breath, in and out, trying to control her emotions, but a few tears slipped out anyways.

Ronan didn’t say anything, but she felt the couch shift to her right, and then Ronan’s arm was around her. It was strangely grounding, and Blue allowed herself to put her head on his shoulder, tears still dripping down her cheeks.

They sat like that, for a while, in comfortable silence. Then Blue said, quietly. “I never thanked you, you know. For that day in the cave.”

Ronan made a dismissive noise. “Nothing to thank me for, Sargent.”

“There is, though. Not… not just for the ghost light. I mean--,” She took a deep breath, steadying herself. “I’ve been having nightmares. Every night. About Persephone. About seeing my mom’s corpse in that lake. And I…” Her voice was watery, and tears threatened to leak out again. The arm around her shoulder tightened.

“I didn’t do shit, maggot. You’re the one walked across that lake like a badass and tricked Piper and saved your mom. It was impressive. You’re brave as fuck, you know.”

Blue lifted her head, staring at the sharp edged boy beside her. “Okay, am I drunk or did you really just say that? Did you actually _compliment_ me?”

Ronan scoffed, but then he was smiling. “Don’t get used to it, Sargent. And you’ve had like half a beer. Even someone as tiny as you can’t get drunk off of that.”

“I’m just saying, you’re being nice to me. It’s weird. But maybe the day in the cave wasn’t a one off then. Maybe you really _aren’t_ that big of a shithead.”

“Fuck you, yes I am. Stop trying to ruin my reputation.”

Blue laughed, and Ronan grinned back. “If you’d told me I’d actually not despise you one day when we first met, I’d say you were crazy,” Blue mused.

“Same here.”

Blue glared at him. “Don’t know what you despised me for. You’re the one who was a total asshole for no reason.”

“I had my reasons.”

“Oh?” Blue tilted her chin up defiantly. “Care to share them with the class?”

Ronan looked away, his expression suddenly guarded and avoidant. “Nope.”

Blue frowned, sensing there was much more to this than she had initially assumed. “Come on. Tell me. I deserve to know after what a dick you were.”

“That’s Gansey,” Ronan replied automatically.

Blue raised her eyebrows at him, waiting. Ronan sighed, and removed his arm from around her shoulders, dragging his hands down his face, scratching his neck. He looked strangely nervous and uncomfortable. Blue didn’t think Ronan was capable of looking that way.

Ronan swallowed and looked at his hands. “I was jealous.”

Blue frowned. “Of what? You thought Gansey would like me better than you or something? I swear to god, you and Adam are so territorial about him, it’s really weird.”

“No – I mean, that too, but I…,” Ronan took a deep breath, and okay, Blue _had_ to be imagining the slight pink tinge to his cheeks. Ronan Lynch did not blush.

Blue waited.

“Adam,” Ronan said finally, quietly. “I was jealous because of Adam.”

“ _Adam?_ Didn’t know you guys were even close friends back then, why would you care if I became closer to _him_?” There was something she wasn’t understanding. It sat at the edge of her mind but she couldn’t pin it down.

Ronan glared at her, then, and his blush turned into a bright crimson, going to the tips of his ears and down his neck, and _oh. Oh._

“ _Oh._ ”

Ronan looked away, glaring at the wall in front of him instead. “Yeah. _Oh._ ” There was a bite in his voice, his shoulders tense, everything about him guarded in a way it hadn’t been just a minute ago. _This must be hard for him_ , Blue realized, and she wanted desperately to say the right thing.

“I… I didn’t know that you… that you were, um…” Well, that definitely was not the right thing.

“That I was what? Gay?” Ronan sneered, his tone all barbed wires. “You can say the word, you know.”

Blue prickled at the malice in his tone, even though she knew it was only his way of protecting himself. “Yes, I know, Ronan. I only wasn’t sure if you were gay or – or bi or something, Jesus. You don’t have to talk to me like that.”

“Whatever,” Ronan muttered, every part of his body still tense. Blue softened, reminding herself that this wasn’t easy for him, wanting to comfort him.

“Hey. Seriously. Thanks for trusting me with this. And I’m not a bigoted piece of shit, you know. Did you really think I’d judge you for this?”

Ronan shrugged. “Fuck if I know.” But Blue thought his posture relaxed a little.

“Who else knows? About you, I mean.”

Ronan shrugged again. “Just you, I think.”

Blue gaped at him. “Just me? Not even Gansey?” She was warmed by the idea that Ronan had trusted her with something even Gansey and Adam didn’t know.

Ronan scoffed. “Fuck no.” He tensed again. “And you better not tell him.”

“I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to. I’m not an asshole.”

Ronan exhaled shakily. “Okay.” A pause. “I think Noah knows. I didn’t tell him, though. He just kind of knows everything. And… I don’t know. Adam might have figured it out. He’s fucking smart that way.”

Blue had to agree, remembering how Adam had figured out that Gansey was on the death list. Her heart still sank every time she thought of it, remembering his devastated look. _Which one of us, Blue?_

A thought occurred to her. “Did you ever, um… did you ever like Gansey?”

Ronan made a face. “God, no. Well, maybe a little bit, at first. It was fleeting, though.”

“And Adam?”

Ronan inhaled. “Adam… is definitely not fleeting.” Blue studied his face, studied the slight tremble in his voice. And it clicked, then. It was the same way she looked and sounded when she thought of Gansey. “You love him, don’t you?”

Ronan turned red again. “I- Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

Both were silent for a time, lost in their own thoughts. Then Blue said, a wry smile on her face, “You do know the pigtail pulling method doesn’t actually work past, like, kindergarten, right?”

Ronan glowered at her, but his mouth quirked and something in him relaxed. “Fuck you, Sargent.”

“Seriously. Have you been flirting with him all this time, because if _that’s_ your flirting technique, no wonder you two aren’t together yet.”

Ronan just snorted, but then his face turned serious, his expression sad. “I don’t know. I don’t think _that’s_ why we’re not together.”

Blue looped her arm around him, rested her head on his shoulder again. He leaned into her. “You’ll never know until you ask. I think you have a good chance.” She wasn’t just saying that to comfort him; she thought to all the times Adam had smiled around Ronan, all the times he had been staring at him. It had never occurred to her before, but looking back, there was definitely something there.

Ronan sighed. “Maybe. Maybe not. I just don’t want to fuck things up if he doesn’t…”

“Well, you should tell Gansey, at least. He’s your best friend. You don’t seriously think he’d care.”

Ronan shook his head. “I know he probably wouldn’t. But it’s still… I don’t know. I need to tell him at the right time.”

Blue leaned into him more. “Okay,” she said simply.

“Hey,” Ronan said suddenly. “I have something for you.” He got up before she could reply and stormed into his room. She got up from the couch, considering going after him, but in the end just stood and waited.

Ronan came back into the main room with some kind of fabric in his hand and as he got closer, Blue saw the intricacy of the design, the magic of the way it changed colors when it moved. It was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. She was speechless.

He handed it to her and said, nonchalantly, “You’re into the weirdest and ugliest fucking clothes, so I figured if you were going to shred something up and make some hideous dress with it, might as well use fabric that doesn’t hurt people’s eyes.”

Blue laughed at the way the kind gesture was dressed up in Ronan’s typical asshole words, and then she threw her arms around him, the fabric clutched in her hands. Ronan made a surprised sound at the force of the hug, but wrapped his arms around her all the same.

“Jesus, maggot. It’s just some fucking cloth. Don’t have to get all sentimental and shit.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Blue said pleasantly, tightening her arms around his neck. She was on her tiptoes and she still only reached up to his chest, but they made it work.

“Is that the first time you’ve said the F-word, Sargent? Look at you, you’re all grown up.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Blue repeated, less pleasantly.

Ronan chuckled, and then they pulled away. Blue smiled at him, a real smile, and he returned it, ruffling her hair fondly. She scowled at him, batting his hand away, but she couldn’t remove the grin that felt permanently etched on her face.

“So, um, could I stay here tonight? I don’t really feel like walking all the way back to Fox Way. Or going back to Fox Way period.”

“Sure. You want to sleep on your boyfriend’s bed?” Ronan had a suggestive smirk on his face, and Blue punched him lightly on the arm.

“Shut up, no. I’ll just take the couch.”

“You can take my room, if you want. Assuming you don’t really want to sleep in the dead friend’s room because that’s kind of creepy.”

“The couch is fine, but thanks.”

“Your call. You going to sleep now? You looked tired as shit.”

“Thanks, how flattering. But yeah, I think I will.”

Ronan nodded. “I’ll get you a blanket.”

Blue lied down on the couch, which was a lot more comfortable than she’d assumed it would be. Blue prepared to take the blanket from Ronan when he came back, but he just batted her hand away and gently placed the blanket over her reclining form, making sure that it covered her from her toes to her neck. Blue couldn’t stop the ear-to-ear smile that threatened to break her face in two, and Ronan scowled when he noticed it, his cheeks a delicate pink. “Shut up.”

“Did you really just tuck me in, Lynch? You’re such a softie,” Blue cooed.

“Not another word or I’m kicking you out.”

Blue just laughed, and after a moment, Ronan smiled back.

“Night, maggot,” Ronan said as he retreated back to his room.

“Night, asshole.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://adamparrush.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/adamparrush). Feedback would be appreciated!


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